The Luxury Of Peace
Because she loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue her; I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name. She will call on me, and I will answer her. I will be with her in trouble, I will deliver her and honor her. Psalm 91: 14-15 NIV
I took the liberty of changing these verses from a male to a female perspective as it is how I have always read it and applied it to myself. There have been a number of situations where I have gone back to Psalm 91 throughout my walk as a Christian and every time I do, something new is revealed and I am held in perfect peace.
Peace of mind is truly a luxury. Over 2 years ago, I decided to look inward and address an area of my life where I lacked peace and I wasn’t quite sure how this war zone got into my head to begin with.
I hit rock bottom in January 2019 and upon meeting with a friend and sharing all the things that truly burdened my heart, I decided I would begin the Daniel Fast in February and believe God for breakthrough in a couple of areas.
I recently discovered that the underlying issue I was struggling to identify two years ago (and even a year later at the time of my fast) was my fear of abandonment. While I didn’t have that word revealed to me just yet, last February when I was going to fast, my mind was consumed with fear of losing my boyfriend (who lived in another country) to someone else because I was not good enough. It would manifest itself in the most physically exhausting ways and my mind was experiencing complete agony and torture. It was hard to breathe, almost impossible to sleep, thoughts that would go on overdrive in my head and cause pretty severe anxiety, loss of appetite, and urges to go to the bathroom because of the knot that would form in my stomach. It was very stressful.
I’m aware that what I’m writing can be ruled down to me being a crazy girl by some – but in defense of us crazies, something has prompted the unrest in our minds and it has evidently been traumatic. I am confident none of us want to feel the way we feel and none of us want to hurt the people we love by not trusting them. At least I can say for certain, I have always wanted a healthy relationship and I am committed to that being the case in my life.
So I began to fast and I began to pray. Funnily enough, over the course of the fast, I was tempted with a few situations where I chose to run to the Cross instead of to my destructive behavior patterns. What is a fast if not exercising self-control and relying on God for strength?
“I recently discovered that the underlying issue I was struggling to identify was my fear of abandonment. ”
“ I was tempted with a few situations where I chose to run to the Cross instead of to my destructive behavior patterns. What is a fast if not exercising self-control and relying on God for strength?”
I’ll never forget this one time during the fast, my boyfriend called me and said, “I’m going out with so and so and we’re doing xyz”. My heart immediately cringed and my mind defaulted to the toxic thoughts – and I remember holding my hand over my mouth to not say a word as tears exploded out of my eyes and then, to my advantage, the call dropped!! I literally thought, “oh my goodness - thank you God for that dropped call”. BUT my boyfriend called me back! LOL and I’m still there dying in silence on my side of the phone and I immediately said, “Hey I have to go, talk to you later!” **CLICK**
The number of things I wanted to say out of fear to my boyfriend are too many to list. Upon hanging up, I ran to my room and while sobbing I began to pray. “Jesus, you know this fear that consumes my mind, I can’t help myself, I don’t know what to do, where to start, but this feeling is so real. I know you’re my healer and that your love is too good to leave me here and you want to bless me, so please see me through this so I don’t hurt my relationship further and give me of your peace and ease my mind. Holy Spirit help me.” I kept repeating the ‘your love is too good to leave me here’ bit and declared that over my mind time and time again while I prayed. I also prayed in the Spirit. Eventually I calmed down and went about my day.
That night, I get a call from my boyfriend who says he is going to sleep. I ask him how his night was, and he shared he ended up staying in and never went out to begin with. LOL PHEW?!??….. I’d been afraid of all the girls he would encounter and choose over me, meanwhile he was just watching a movie on his couch!!! Hahahaaa.
That was God coming to my rescue.
NOW: SERIOUS SIDE NOTE, God won’t necessarily stop my boyfriend’s social life in order to accommodate my mind each and every time. I am not saying God’s a magician! In fact, I can confirm he did not stop my boyfriend’s social life by any means, if anything, it got busier hahaha – HOWEVER over time, I strengthened mentally and developed self-control and worked through my psychological trauma. I have also grown deeper in my relationship with Jesus – and all of this has brought me to a place where as I trusted Jesus and understood my triggers, I could then trust my boyfriend more……. A daily and continuous effort to say the least, but there has been growth and progress and that is life!!
BACK to my main point – In that moment, at the very beginning of my effort to do what was right and exercise self-control, how good was God’s kindness? With the state of my fragile mind, He was faithful to meet me at my completely broken state and put my mind at ease and show me I could turn to Him and see his faithfulness flourish. He didn’t destroy and crush my mind further – He proved my fears wrong!
“With the state of my fragile mind, God was faithful to meet me at my completely broken state and put my mind at ease. He proved my fears wrong!”
Similar situations happened two more times throughout the fast, and I held my ground and turned to Jesus in prayer and saw victorious outcomes. It was always in my head – fear is always only in our minds…..but God is light in that darkness.
I learned that praying and coming to a place of full surrender to God was critical for my breakthrough. When I tried to resolve in my own strength, I literally was setting off a nuclear bomb in my relationship. Yet through fasting and prayer, I found that Jesus was always there, but I didn’t know I could rely on him in this new way. It became very personal for me. My relationship with Him broke through some seriously superficial barriers during that fast and deepened by a lot. This verse proved even truer: “Because she loves me, I will rescue her. I will protect her for she acknowledges my name. She will call on me and I will answer her. I will be with her in trouble, I will deliver her and honor her.” He has done this so many times for me. Listen, I know God really loves you and Psalm 91:14-15 will prove true for you too.
Guest Writer: Amy Lozano
Amy works in the hospitality industry, loves encouraging others through her writing, and enjoys food and travel.